End of World Imminent

A two-faced cat and six-legged puppy with two peters were reported recently, imminent signs of the coming of the apocalypse and suggesting perhaps we have not been heeding the messages found in window condensation, potato chips, or water stains.

The two-faced cat - complete with two mouths, two tongues, two noses and four eyes - is named Gemini and despite it's 10% chance of survival, owner and breeder Lee Bluetear of Roseburg, Oregon still maintains hope. "If she makes it, she should be a perfectly normal and healthy cat. Other than having two faces."

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, an angry and wrathful god delivered unto the Kwang Sung Temple in Port Klang, Malaysia a six-legged puppy with two penises. The temple caretaker found it on the temple steps one morning and realized its multiple appendages when he tried to pick it up. Apparently unaware of this fateful omen, the locals have adopted the puppy and, being that most Malaysians are huge Amy Grant fans, named it Ong Fatt or Lucky One." Nothing has been reported on the dog's level of happiness.

While these two incidents alone are not necessarily portentous regarding the coming of the Antichrist, but we here at the Spittoon say you can never be too careful when it comes to the apocalypse. If it's going to be raining toads, I want to be prepared.

Article from boston.com


Artcile from thestar.com

Hot Rocks in Space

Astronomers have discovered a new "Earth-like" planet outside of our solar system. Orbiting the definitively-named star Gliese 876 this newly found planet has a day almost twice as long as ours, is six to eight times the mass of the Earth, and has a temperature of about 400 degrees to 700 degrees. Astronomers say it is unlikely such an environment would be able to support life.

Following this comparative logic: I have discovered a new breed of rhinoceros - it is covered in fur, chases cats, and sleeps at the foot of my bed.

Original article from news.bbc.co.uk

Ashes to ashes, chips to chips

The sisters Lieberman of Houston, Texas were quite surprised when visiting their mother's cremated remains and found the cedar chest that had contained her ashes missing and instead housed a can of potato chips (sour cream and onion to be exact.) To add insult to injury, the lawsuit claims the can had been visible for up to six months. There was no sign of any dip.

The chest had sat in a niche behind a closed and locked glass door and none of the employees had a key. Nor had any of the Lieberman's known their mother to be much of a potato chip fan or a magician of any sort.Houston police are currently in possession of the mysterious appearing can though it has been reported that once you pop, you can't stop.

Original article from boston.com

Jesus Christ on a Potato Chip

No, that's not creative blasphemy, it is another miraculous snack item from the state of Florida! Some might find it somewhat suspicious that Christ our saviour would appear on a potato chip in Florida so soon after appearing on a toasted cheese sandwich in Florida. But should it be any surprise that the divine adore vacationland as much as the rest of America? Still, Rosalie Lawson was pretty surprised to find Jesus H. on her sour cream and onion, even going so far as to exclaim, "oh my goodness". Her husband Jerry was "pretty amazed too!"

Well, that is pretty amazing Mrs. Lawson. And I can relate. Just imagine how surprised *I* was to discover my OWN image on this delicious smokehouse ham!?!? But who on eBay is going to pay $15k for a miraculous image of my ugly mug? Even if it is on 8 lbs of tasty cured meat. Just my luck.

Original story could only have come from ananova.com

Psychotic Canadian Nutbag Slips Over Border

So, riddle me this...

You are a customs officer stationed at the border between US and Canada and in comes a young man who looks like a quality-tester for crystal-meth wearing a blood-stained sweatshirt over a bullet-proof vest, carrying a bloody chainsaw and toting a backpack containing home-made swords, a knife, brass knuckles, and pepper spray and all he wants to gain access to the good ole US of A.

What do you do?
A: turn the suspect away
B: detain the suspect until proper authorities arrive to investigate the individual
C: give him coffee and cookies and send him over the border

If you picked "C" then congratulations! You are a viable candidate for a job as a customs official at the Canadian border.

A long standing feud between 22 year-old Minto resident Gregory Allan Despres and his neighbors - Frederick Fulton, 74, and his wife Veronica Decarie, 70 - ended tragically at the hands of Despres who stabbed them to death(see previous news entry: WARNING: KNIVES HURT) in their home and decapitated Fulton with the aforementioned chainsaw. It was a busy morning.

"Nobody asked us to detain him," said Bill Anthony, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection. "Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up."

While such a large cache of weaponry and circumstantial evidence would raise a few red flags here in America, especially since he was already considered at-large for skipping a sentencing hearing, apparently the custom agents have gotten a little soft over the years and felt a deranged freak-job like Despres was of little threat.

But don't let this incident make you think that the guards posted at these points aren't doing their job. After all, 38 year-old Eddie Young was detained at the same office with Despres and watched the custom officials playing with Despres weapons and serve him a cup of coffee before letting him go.

Young, who was on his way to catch a flight to Mexico with friends, was being detained and processed after officials noted a 20 year-old drug conviction in Ottawa on his recored. "He got processed faster than I did." Young noted.

To their credit, the customs officers did confiscate the weapons.

Despres comes from a long-line of sadomasochistic chainsaw-wielding nutjobs. It was reported that Despres' own father had a hankering for the nose candy and engaged in some redecorating a la "Tommy Lee in a hotel-room."

Despres was arrested in Massachusetts.

(Note: it is common for us here at the Spittoon to include an accompanying photo to the story. As you may have noticed, these photos are sometimes "altered" to suit our needs. However, we felt that no alterations were necessary for the mugshot of Mr. Despres. He's a natural.)

Original article from canada.com

WARNING: KNIVES HURT

A group of British doctors have been hard at work determining that knives - yes those long, pointy thing in the kitchen drawer - can kill! Apparently knives were not originally used to cut roast beef and celery as long thought but has its roots in the ancient custom of stabbing things to death, a practice that seems to be as prevalent in human culture as cooking and painting.

The members of this bubbling brilliance of a think tank, Drs. Emma Hern, Will Glazebrook and Mike Beckett of the West Middlesex University Hospital in London, have noticed a rise in crime of "nearly 18 per cent from 2003 to 2004" and determined that a warning should be made public and have called upon the government to pass a law requiring knife companies to design knives with rounded tips.

No one is sure how this forgotten usage of knives had re-emerged from the shadows of our history but scientists have determined that knives may date from as far back as forever or even beyond that. Thank god we have this crack team of scientists to keep us safe. No data has been released over the deadly application of lead pipes, ropes, candlesticks, monkey wrenches, or revolvers.

Original article from theregister.co.uk