Magic Reindeers Lose Mojo in Mid-Flight

Pedestrians strolling by a parking garage in Ransom, West Virginia were surprised when five deer rained down on them from the sky and met a bloody death upon impact with the pavement. Officials are perplexed on where the group had come from but after Police Cpl. Steve Cox investigated a near-by parking garage he found traces of the deer in the fifth floor.
He speculates the animals had somehow wandered into the parking garage, made their way to the fifth floor, where they got spooked and leapt over the side.

''They took the plunge, it was just absolutely weird.'' he admits.

But we here at the Spittoon have an idea what may have happened here and let me tell you ladies and gentleman, it's all our fault.

The fact is we just don't believe any more.
These days there is no respect for Christmas. It's force-fed to all of us wrapped in gaudy ribbon and shiny plastic before we can even get that Thanksgiving turkey down our throats and has become little more than a time of commitment and loathing, of guilt and envy.

There once was a time when Christmas and Santa Claus actually meant something, and if you knew anything you knew this much: if you were a good kid you got awesome presents on Christmas and if you were a bad kid you got socks.
And no kid wants socks
So all year long I would be good and when I was bad my Mom would pick up the phone and start to call Santa and I knew I had to be good immediately and go one step further to make up for the bad I just did.

What a manipulative bitch.

But the point was I respected Santa and I knew Christmas was the time when all those good deeds got paid off and for a few days afterwards I could be a selfish dick because I knew I had a whole year to make up for it.

Jesus tried to warn us first.

Then Tinkerbell told us we had to believe.

And in 1974 even the big man himself tried to give us a hint in the classic documentary The Year Without a Santa Claus (yes, the Heat Miser one.)

So while I think Officer Cox is using his best investigative skills learned on his years on the force, he is blinded by his own inability to believe.

Can Santa still do his job now that the bulk of his fleet is gone? With reindeer are falling out of the sky, is it true that this could be the year without a Santa Claus? If the airline industry is any indicator, things are grim.

And it looks like it's a little too late to make up for it now.
The deer carcasses were given to locals for butchering.


Pour a forty on the corner for Dasher