Knives at Ten Paces

Is no tradition safe in this country? While the government cites the growing violent video games and drug use as eroding family values, they have no problem stomping on good old-fashioned family customs.

Two cousins aged 19 and 30 (who remain nameless) arrived at a bit of an impasse when attempting to settle a gentleman’s debt of thirty bucks. While we may never find out what the nature of this high-stakes gamble, we do know that it must have been one of great honor: perhaps a loan for a couple of 30-packs of Miller Lite before the big game or an unpaid 1/8 of Mexican dirt-weed or he lost the bet on who-could-piss-farther-off-the-porch.

Whatever the reason, the older and more worldly of the two men pulled his knife in what is known in some circles as the Michigan Knife Challenge, an intricate display of tribal folklore that is often mistaken for drunken stumbling. After the dance is completed, the challenger issues the traditional “Wanna piece of this?” which is then answered by the challengee with the customary call of “Fuck you, old man!”
Then the duel commences.

There was no transcript for the meeting between these two adversaries so it was not reported how the dialogue commenced. What we do know is that the teen was stabbed in the stomach.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me folks - the older guy gets the thirty bucks and the young wise-ass kid gets thirty stitches, right? No replays, no court, no lawyers, nothing - done and done. Good old fashioned frontier justice.

But NO! Not according to our meddling government who needed to get their weaselly bureaucratic hands into everything. The Macomb County prosecutor’s office is charging the cousins with an anti-dueling law that is well-over 150 years old despite the fact a good old fashioned meat-and-potatoes American family duel steeped in tradition had already resolved the issue.

''He could've done any number of things,'' Sheriff Mark Hackel said. ''He could've called police, he could've fled the area.”

So that’s your answer Sheriff Hackel? Turn like a pussy and run? Your willing to drag this through the courts, to cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars and gunk up the system with what is little more than tiff at the dinner table? You’re willing to take the power away from the family and put it in the hands of the government?
I mean, come on, if you can’t get stabbed by your uncle, who can stab you?

Maybe thirty bucks is a drop in the bucket for some hotshot Mount Clemens Sheriff like Hackel, but to the rest of us that thirty bucks means a hell of a lot more.
And while I’m not exactly sure what that thirty bucks does means, you can be damn sure you can take it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

Read about some real Americans here

Waiter? There's Tiger Urine on My Ass

When an American thinks "Chinese food" they instantly conjure up such lyrically-named dishes like Crab Rangoon, Kung Pao Shrimp, and General Gau's Chicken. But we often forget about the more indigenous chefs of Chinese cuisine who, like redneck chefs of Asia, seem to find an epicurian taste for critters most folks try to keep out of their food.

To their defense, many of these foodstuffs double as tonics, tinctures, restoratives, analeptics, elixirs, and other such remedies to extend and enhance their lives. Unfortunately, many of these traditional recipes contain illegal ingredients from endangered species like rhinocerous, gorilla and tiger.

So you can imagine the anger and disappointment of the regulars at the Hufulou restaurant near Hailin, China when they learned their favorite tiger meat stir-fry place was being shut down for selling the illegal delicacy. Now where would they get their tiger-bone liquor?

Then came the good news.
Or perhaps it was bad news.

Either way, due to a technicality, the Hufulou would not have to close its doors as they had not been serving tiger meat after all. In fact, their specialty house dish of Stir-Fried Tiger Meat with Chilies (at $98 in Yankee greenback) was actually donkey meat flavored with tiger urine "for that special tang."

Despite that donkey meat is quite legal in China, the Hufulou's proprietor Ma Shikun was fined $296 for, what can only be assumed, false advertising.

While tiger meat is thought to enhance strength and virility, apparently donkey meat just makes you more of an ass.

Read it here, Grasshopper

Are you gonna finish that?

Usually, I am the last person to turn down a nice cold, frothy bottle of beer. Heck, I've been managing to drink 'em near warm since my fridge hasn't been working so great. And if somebody leaves a "dead soilder" on the table after a party, I have even been know to polish 'em off.

So who am I to judge a guy in South Kingston R.I. who, according to Eyewitness News WPRI, picked up a half empty beer bottle on the side of the road and slugged it down only to find out the bottle was filled with lye. Yikes. That's a pain that's gonna linger.

Like I said, who am I to judge? But I would like to think that my love of beer does have SOME boundries. Half drunk beer at a party? OK. Probably not the most hygenic move but, depending on your party guests, probably OK. Mysterious half empty bottle on the side of the road? Not to smart. Of course, if you were REALLY thirsty... but wouldn't you at least give it the ol'factory test?

I can't imagine this fella didn't at least give the bottle a sniff - he probably assumed it was an import. So maybe the bigger question is, what kind of asshole fills a beer bottle with drain cleaner and leaves it for someone to find? And why are police calling this a criminal investigation? I think at this point I am totally confused - better go grab a beer.

Read the original news article...