Is the whole world INSANE!?!?!

At some point, you might think... you might hope... that people would stop getting themselves worked up everytime the vague likeness of Jesus appears on a tortilla, or a potato chip. In a world wrought with war, suffering, and injustice, you would at least like to think that legitimate news outlets have better things to report than a statue that appears to be crying.

But you would be wrong. For the last two mornings, CBS's "Good Morning America" has led off their morning broadcast with news of the "crying" Virgin Mary statue in Sacramento, California. The amazing part, is that I have yet to see anyone discuss any of the multitude of entirely natural explainations for this "phenomena".

For example, the GOBS OF BLACK PAINT applied around the statues eyes. DUH. The news is faithfully reporting that the tears are red, but the numerous close ups and video montages show that the streaks are clearly a dark, amber brown. Anyone who has worked with black paint or black india ink knows that, in fact, black paint is not actually true black but more often than not a very very deep, dark brown.

Now, we have all seen what it looks like when mascara runs. I would like to demonstrate with a photo, but Google image search is REALLY letting me down this morning - how can it be so hard to find a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker with mascara-black tears running down her face? The best I could come up with was this picture, from a Saturday Night Live Sketch. That's Jan Hooks, who incidentally, was never mistaken for the Vigin Mary.

I suppose another possible explaination is that the most powerful deity in the universe thought this might be an effective way of communicating with us mortals. But running mascara... black painted mascara on statue... hmmm... I think there could be a not-so-supernatural connection here.

And speaking of connections... you will never guess what Google did turn up for me this morning. Earlier this month, Pakistan's Daily Times reported that:

"The Catholic church in Vietnam has been forced to deny that a statue of the Virgin Mary is crying after thousands of people had flocked to observe the “miracle” at Ho Chi Minh City cathedral."

Huh. And what was the name of this church in Sacramento? Oh yeah - Vietnamese Catholic Martyrs Church. Ain't that a funny coincidence.

Now, I am certainly not trying to suggest that Vietnamese Catholic priests are a bunch of shameless scammers... but would it be safe to say that perhaps Vietnamese Americans might be more likely to follow news developments in Ho Chi Min City?

Too bad major news outlets like ABC, MSNBC, CBS, USA Today and Fox News just can't provide the kind of investigative reporting that we tackle here at the Spittoon.

Of course, The Spittoon DOES acknowledge that sometimes statues DO cry.

Bigger Butts Demand Bigger Pricks

It's been a while since I last posted, but this article practically jumped out and demanded I steal the Spittoon spotlight back from Kid Hubris.

Bigger butts require bigger needles. Yes, folks - it's news. A recent study showed that obese Americans are getting the short end of the booster shot because of the medical establishment's one-needle-fits-all approach to... ahem...prosterior injec... oh, hell - shots in the ass.

OK... I must be getting a little rusty here - I cannot think of any way to goof on this story. Reality is indeed stranger than fiction, and in matters involving butt needles, doubly so. I cannot retell this story any goofier than Reuters did.

It is certainly a sad commentary on... something. I think I need to process this one for a while, so I am going to ditch work early, throw some Sir-Mix-Alot on the ol' iPod, and take the stairs instead of the elevator...

UPDATE: damn - just one day later and my brilliant headline has already been outdone. This morning, the UK's Daily Mail reports:

"Jabs Don't Work on Fat-Bottomed Girls"

Confound those cheeky Brits.

False Advertising

So you're at a bar in Phuket, Thailand and you're just hanging loose, maybe just got off the plane and are hanging out at one of the nightclubs. Then some hot Thai girl comes all rubbing up to you with all that "Ooh, I ruv amelican men" and she buys you a drink. You're thinking: "Man, these folks are downright friendly!" And she keeps touching your arm or shoulder, laughs at your jokes, and throws her long beautiful hair around. Maybe you buy her a drink this time and she comes in close to thank you.

Now you're thinking: "Either these people have some strange tastes in men or this friendly lady is a hooker." So you back away with apologies, muttering about no money and a pretend girlfriendall in the same breath.

She is almost offended by your suggestion and shakes her head with a laugh. "No money," she confirms and caresses your hair with her hand. "I ruv amelican men."

Not being one to question another cultures beliefs or practices you spend a few minutes of pretty serious spit-swapping and aggressive groping you suggest perhaps retiring to your room. You have learned her name by now but instantly forgotten except it had a lot of vowels. Aygago or something.

She is all over you in the elevator and sticks her tongue so far down your throat you think you swallow a cavity and when she pulls back she is smiling wickedly. "Oh, you never forget me, big man." Her dark almond eyes twinkle, her sweet pink lips glistens and long silken-black hair sways softly like palms in the breeze.

Things are looking good here in Thailand. You had heard about the sexual escapades in this area of the world and were delighted to view a few of the local places but never had you thought that you would have been going back to your room with such a beautiful girl. At least without paying money.

It is perhaps the first time you put this altogether and as you make your way from the elevator to your room it begins to dawn on your that this doesn;t seem right but then stumble a little and you forget about it. But the nice Thai girl, Gungugo, is helping you now, pulling you even. Actually, she's kind of strong for a girl her size you note as she takes your door key from you and unlocks the door.

You can barely stand at this point and are not so sure when you got so drunk, luckily Gagooogoo is here to help you onto the bed. And isn't that nice, she's taking your shoes off and your jacket and your pants and your Rolex and your wallet and your cell phone and your laptop and then everything goes gray.

When you wake the next morning there is only one reason that finding yourself stark naked on the bed with a splitting headache and finding everything you have - from your socks to the hotel soap - has been stolen is the bad news.
The good news is your ass doesn't hurt.

Apparently a number of male tourist are experiencing this very scenario in such friendly hamlets like Phuket and police have arrested three "ladyboys" who confessed to slipping men sedatives hidden under their tongues in order to rob them.

This is not the first time such a practice has been used. A gang of transvestites in another village used strong sedatives on their nipples to drug unsuspecting men and rob them.

It is amazing that we have had to invent firearms at all.

A-ha! You kissed a guy!