Rock Out With Your Cock Out

A prehistoric stone dildo believed to be around 28,000 years old was discovered buried in the infamous Hohle Fels Cave in Germany. The...*ahem*..."tool" is almost 8 inches long and an 1.5 inches wide is believed to be a symbolic representation of a phallus. Because of its life size (I'm not sure how many female scientists were involved here) some have suggested it was used as a sex aid.

It is a long held belief that prehistoric man was very concerned for his mate's sexual satisfaction. Many cave drawings depict lovemaking sessions where the man coddles his mate, holding her as she cries, and snuggling after sex. So it is no wonder that prehistoric man took time out of his busy day of scraping the barrel of survival to construct a stone sexual aid for his significant other.

But prehistoric man was a frugal creature and there was little room in their world for frivolous uni-taskers. The stone phallus has typical scars on it that suggest it was also used for knapping flints - the process of creating arrow and spear heads from stone. It is assumed that prehistoric man did not knap flints with his own genitalia.

Why the phallus/flint knapper was discarded is still a matter of speculation. Some scientists suggest the previous owner may have upgraded to a newer model that was 9 inches long, 2.5 inches think and doubled as an arrow straightener.

Read it here

Filling in the Gaps

A certain image comes to mind when you think of Appalachian mountain folk - tattered overalls, bare feet, banjos, and a gap-toothed smile. But thanks to Dr. Jeff Bailey, that image is about to change thanks to his mobile(as in movable, not a city in Alabama ) dental care unit conveniently housed in a silver Airstream trailer.

Due to an excess of sugary foods, tobacky - both fer chawin' and smokin', a lack of flouridated water, and general neglect, Dr. Bailey has his work cut out for him. According to some Centers for Disease Control reports, the Appalachian states are the gummiest of all: 32 percent of Tennessee residents reported losing teeth last year, 38 percent in Kentucky and 43 percent in West Virginia, which holds the distinction of the Most Toothless State.

It is not known how much West Virginian pride was put into this distinction or whether Kentucky - which held this moniker in 2003 - was gearing up to win back the title next year.

Most of the members of the mountain communities assume that losing teeth is just part of getting old and even a rite of passage. But with the help of Dr. Bailey, the ever-echoed cry "Squeal like a piggy!" will no longer whistle with sibilance through missing teeth.

I aint kiddin

Toupee Funding

A 46-year old man who only wanted to be accepted by his peers had his case thrown out of a German court today. All he wanted was to have hair just like everyone else, and to have his medical insurance pay for it. But do you think those mean old insurance companies cared? Did they stop to think about the crippling effects social ostracism could have on an impressionable 46-year-old man's self esteem? Heck no. All they cared about was their bottom line. Well what about the melanoma Herr Stichwortkugel is going to get from sunburned scalp? What's that gonna cost ya?

Then again, maybe it is for the best. Maybe Mister Bald German guy just needs some new friends. Friends like the League of Bald Headed Men who's three step program (denial, acceptance, pride) has inspired dozens of hairless Australian golfers to embrace their baldness.

But really, is there a reason to look any further than the universally adored bald sex symbols Telly Savalas and Patrick Stewart? Who loves ya, baby?

MSNBC has more on this important story...

Need a Bigger G-String

In case you thought all those stuffed-suit, over-tanned, arrogant stock-traders were little more than Ward Cleavers with cell-phones and Blackberrys and a thirst for filthy lucre, prepare to be suprised.

The Wall Street Journal reported some improper use of company and client money by a number of employees and management when a rather lavish bachelor party was thrown for Thomas H. Bruderman Jr. in Miami Beach. Entertainment included a yacht cruise, VIP status at the chic Delano Hotel resort, and entertainment that included a dwarf and two women who may have been prostitutes.

In all fairness, there was no proof that the two women accompanying the dwarf to a bohemian bachelor party thrown by what were essentially adult frat-boys with an endless supply of cash were actually prostitutes. They may have been lion tamers who had foolishly forgot their lions or harpers providing soothing Baroque canons to accompany the evenings festivities.

The story goes on to condemn the inappropriate behavior and suggest how the constituents will be reprimanded but it's nothing we haven't heard before and chances are these chintzy, maliciously decadent motherfuckers will get away with their various infidelities and will live to do it again.

The real story here is: what role did the dwarf play?

Five for flinching

He was turning 31 and the friends of trucker Keith Lowry thought to celebrate this momentous occasion in a true trucker tradition: pay three strippers $25 to restrain him and spank him with a paddle.

Unfortunately, Mr. Lowry is a bit of a pansy and after the incident left him with severe bruising on his gluteus maximus, he had the offending strippers and their manager arrested by police for misdemeanor battery and participating in an obscene performance at a live public show.

After being processed and arraigned for a future court date, the club has agreed to halt the practice of spanking, much to the chagrin of the local trucking companies.

While uncorroborated, this is probably the first time a trucker has ever complained about being mishandled by professionally naked women and, quite frankly - in this reporters opinion, Mr. Lowry has given a bad name to truckers everywhere. Tsk. For shame, Mr. Lowry.