Look at me officer!

Seattle long known for it's proud relationship with heroin apparently has a little soft spot for the ole' Crystal Meth as well. One resident has requested a vanity plate that read "C9H13N" and while this may mean nothing to the average lay-person the odd miscreant chemist would recognize this as the chemical compound for methamphetamine, Despite a law that does not allow references to alcohol or illegal substances on their plates, their is a loophole (besides the fact that 90% of people slept through their chemistry classes) since this compound also represents amphetamine which is legal in some medicines.

It is doubtful that this plate will be in use much longer since the owner has pretty much secured himself a roadside full-cavity search with every traffic violation. Those cops love a good riddle.

Article at erowid.org

Article at nytimes.com

What would you do for a Camel?

Cigarettes, long known as a hazardous if not fatal addiction, have included warnings on its packaging about the harmful side-effects of the habit. But apparently the warnings are just not thorough enough for people like Jeff Foran of Arkansas who suffered facial trauma and other injuries when the cigarette he was smoking blew out the car window. Perhaps it was the liquor (how many excuses start with that line?) or perhaps it was some new undiscovered side-effect of smoking or perhaps it was just a really, really good cigarette that caused Mr. Foran to leap out the window of the speeding car to pursue his fugitive indulgence and land in the eastbound lane of Arkansas 234.

It was not reported whether Foran retrieved his cigarette nor whether these harmful side-effects have discouraged him from his deadly vice but we here at the Picayune certainly hope not. Remember kids: quitters never win.

Read the article at nytimes.com

When Good Produce Goes Bad

The Streets of Boston have found themselves in the grips of another gang in town. Now along with the Latin Kings and MS-13 there is the burgeoning new crew of young thugs to strike fear in the hearts of the community - the Fruit and Vegetables gang. Apparently lacking a marketing department, the F and V's have made a name for themselves recently in a slew of assaults in the West Roxbury area. The gang picked their name because many of the members had held jobs at grocery stores in the area.

Being that holding a regular job is against the credo of their gang lifestyle they all had to quit, but kept their name out of reverence for their founding fathers - the terrifying Fruit of the Loom gang whose infamous television personalities had turned to a life of crime after being the butt of too many underwear jokes.

Never has a gang of fruits and vegetables been so dangerous!

Read the article at boston.com

Hurricane? Shmurricane!

One of the major aspects of the human animal is the ability to swiftly adapt to our surroundings in order to survive. Despite this development in our species, Mother Nature still finds it necessary to do its best to take the weak ones down like a tiger on a sick zebra so as to not taint the progression of the species with substandard DNA. So while our beloved Gaia attends to these chromosonal custodial duties, sweeping the flotsam and jetsam from our gene pools, leave it to government assistance to make her job even harder.

Remember last year, right about this time, there were a few "squalls" in the southern states one right after another that leveled neighborhoods, washed out roads, destroyed crops, and left thousands injured or killed? Remember an estimated $42 billion in property loss and damage?

If your answer is "No" then you must be from one of these storm-ravaged states where one of the byproducts of having your world torn from the ground and whipped around you at 145MPH. According to a Mason-Dixon poll released this week, 56% felt that it was all a dream("not too vulnerable" or "not at all vulnerable"), 47% haven't thought much about it(no plan in place) and 25% didn't learn a damn thing(would do nothing to prepare in the event of a storm warning.)

So if you ever ask yourself: "Why would anyone live in a place where their house gets blown away every couple of years?" be assured it is a delicate balance of nature attempting to make us stronger while government programs keep paying them to be stupid.

Read the article at washingtonpost.com

McFilet Mignon?

According to the Boston Globe, 14 year-old Ronald Young-Henry was riding his bike to school in Dorchester, MA yesterday when cabbie Anthony Mordan slammed into him. Mordan was of course well-mannered and considerate, being a Boston cab driver and all, and got out of his vehicle to check on his young speedbump. Finding Young-Henry dazed but otherwise allright, he gave the kid a $100 and took his mangled bike for what police later said he called "evidence" and drove off. The kid made it to school but not before spending $30 at McDonalds. Later police got involved, Young-Henry was taken to a hospital with a bone bruise, the cops took the remaining $70 as well as Mordan's hackney license and medallion and are continuing the investigation.

But after all this, I have one lingering question: what the hell did he spend $30 on at McDonalds?

Read the article at boston.com

More Finger Food

What was undoubtedly viewed as one of the worst copycat crimes in the food industry history was proven to be factual when Clarence Stowers bought a frozen chocolate custard at a lKohl's Frozen Custard in Wilmington, NC and found - you guessed it - a piece of a human finger!

Apparently an employee had severed the digit in a custard-dispensing accident. Anyone in the custard-dispensing industry knows that custard shops in the south are known for their iron-willed work ethic and despite the missing body part and bloody custard, they were still there to dispense their frozen delights to burgeoning customer base.

Just remember, NOTHING - neither spurting blood nor severed fingers - can stop custard-mongers when they're in "the zone"

Read the article at nytimes.com

Steak for Sex Program

Used to be, you'd put "steak for sex" into Google and come up empty. A meat company worker in Woonsocket, RI changed all that when he attempted to negotiate with an undercover vice cop to trade a couple juicy t-bones for...[insert bad puns and double entendre].

Was she supposed to put those in her purse or tuck them under her garter belt? Or perhaps he was going to fry 'em up with some onions as part of the deal? Just how was she supposed to take care of her pimp with a couple of lousy t-bones? Rhode Island may not be cattle country, but they do have grocery stores.

When you are 22 years old and you are already reduced to trading groceries for sex, your prospects are not looking good.

So...I've got a raging hard-on and 53 cases of canned soup. Who wants to party? Read the article at abcnews.com

Anna Ayala Fingers Herself

Authorities may have a difficult time convicting Anna Ayala of an illegal hoax if they cannot identify the secret ingredient in her Wendy's chili.

One critical piece of evidence that has NOT been made public is degree of doneness. I figure that Wendy's chili probably spends a couple of hours in an industrial-sized crockpot at the Secret Wendy's Chili Factory, then simmers away in one steam tray or another for several more hours before arriving on our table with that deep, slow-cooked chili flavor.

If an industrial accident at the Secret Wendy's Chili Factory is to blame, that finger would have been thoroughly stewed to the point of "fall-off-the-bone" tenderness. If this is the case, prosecutors will be left to wonder why a Wendy's employee would accidentally chop off their finger, drop it in a vat of chili, then conceal the incident. I have never chopped off one of my fingers, but I am going to bet it smarts, and probably produces a fair amount of blood. I have heard of high-end restaurant chefs powering though a third seating with 2nd degree fryolator burns on their hands, but I doubt that kind of commitment is common among Wendy's employees. Nobody gives up a finger for $5.25 an hour.

If we are dealing with a less toothsome, parboiled finger, it would have been added to the chili closer to service. It could be that this particular Wendy's restaurant was employing a disenfranchised teenager named Beavis whose best friend Butthead had a job emptying trash cans at the ER. Not altogether implausible.

An uncooked finger would have to have been added to the chili just before serving, which would suggest a directed attack - in other words, someone meant to give Anna Ayala the finger.

Yeah - maybe someone like Anna Ayala.

Which would make this the most bone-headed food contamination scam ever conceived since the famous mouse-in-a-beer-bottle in Bob and Doug Mackenzie's Strange Brew. A rock, or a cockroach, a cigarrette butt, maybe a shard of glass - anything else would be more plausible and could have easily scared the company's lawyers into a quiet cash settlement. But she had this finger...

"I done found me a finger! We gotta think of somthin' cool to DO with it!"

Read the article at wired.com

Birds May Be Behind Exploding German Toads

We have been passing around strange news stories via email for years now, but it took thousands of German toads spontaneously exploding to prompt this important documentary Blog.

As today we kick off this valuable new entry in the already tired and overdone sea of amateur journalistic news outlets, lets take a moment to remember the thousands of amphibians who died to make it possible, and the crows who pecked out their livers.

Original article from washingtonpost.com