WARNING: KNIVES HURT

A group of British doctors have been hard at work determining that knives - yes those long, pointy thing in the kitchen drawer - can kill! Apparently knives were not originally used to cut roast beef and celery as long thought but has its roots in the ancient custom of stabbing things to death, a practice that seems to be as prevalent in human culture as cooking and painting.

The members of this bubbling brilliance of a think tank, Drs. Emma Hern, Will Glazebrook and Mike Beckett of the West Middlesex University Hospital in London, have noticed a rise in crime of "nearly 18 per cent from 2003 to 2004" and determined that a warning should be made public and have called upon the government to pass a law requiring knife companies to design knives with rounded tips.

No one is sure how this forgotten usage of knives had re-emerged from the shadows of our history but scientists have determined that knives may date from as far back as forever or even beyond that. Thank god we have this crack team of scientists to keep us safe. No data has been released over the deadly application of lead pipes, ropes, candlesticks, monkey wrenches, or revolvers.

Original article from theregister.co.uk