Get Off Me Son, Yer Crushin' My Smokes

It was an act of revenge, not some Oedipal urge that drove 19 year-old redneck Gary Helms, Jr. to force indecent coitus upon his own 45 year-old mother. When Gary discovered that his brother was the object of a young ladies affection and not himself he figured he'd get back at his fraternal rival by, well, screwing his mother. In your face, bro!

So he headed over to Willow Terrace Trailer Park in Albertville, Alabama where he found his mother passed out on the couch.

When Mother Helms woke to find her son having sex with her she tried to fight back but "he held her down until he was finished."

Yeah...that's a quote.

At first read this would seem like the heinous, sick crime that would even make Satan feel a little uncomfortable.

But when you see it’s from Alabama and you think: “Well, if it’s going to happen somewhere, Alabama would be the place.”

Then you find out Momma was in a trailer park and you say: “Of course she was.”

Then you find out she was passed out drunk on the couch and suddenly it's not that surprising any more.

My one question: at what point did it dawn on Gary that he and his brother had the same mother?

I Remember Mama

He's Not a Goat, He's My Brother

When is a goat not a goat? When you're in Lagos, Nigeria and someone has used black magic to turn the goat into your brother. At least that's what happened to a man in the Isseluku village in southern Nigeria who was arrested recently for killing his brother with an axe.

According to Police Commissioner Udom Ekpoudom, the man tried to chase away some goats on his farm and when one wouldn't move he attacked it with an axe. Only after he killed the goat did it magically turn into his brother.
Black magic runs rampant in Nigeria and has been blamed for a variety of vicious crimes.

In 2001, eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander's penis magically disappear.
It was not reported whether the offending magician later pulled the penis from behind the bystanders ear.

Now You're Messing with a - Son of a Bitch!

After learning from her veterinarian that the Chihuahua puppy she had just picked up was too young to be separated from its mother, a St. Peters, MO woman attempted to return the puppy to the local dog breeder who sold the animal to her. But the animal died before she could return it.

However, in our capitalist society, a consumer expressing their dissatisfaction is all part of the system. So, wielding the puppy like a soft, plush medieval morningstar, she barged her way into the breeders home and proceeded to beat the woman about the head with the canine cadaver. After being forcibly removed from the house by the breeder's family, the enraged woman hopped in her minivan and drove off in a cloud of threats and obscenities waving the corpse of the puppy out her window.

I would hope that other companies would see this incident stresses the importance of a suggestion box at their facilities.

Sore Winner

Dodgeball has always been one of those crippling memories of childhood, causing some to still piss themselves at the mere site of one of those big red dodgeball-standard-issue balls. The slap of rubber on flesh rings through the dodgeball arena coupled with the cries of the asthmatic kid muffled by the soft rubber ball wrapping around his face. But the dodgeball arena is an important part of a child's growth and development in society - it is a place for the pack to develop a hierarchy.


So when 27 year-old youth minister David M. Boudreaux of Excelsior Springs, Mo kicked a 16 year-old in the nuts during a dodgeball game, he was merely teaching the boy the way of the pack. With proliferance of so many sexual abuse scandals he probably thought peeing on the boy would be deemed inappropriate so knocking him down and kicking him in the nuts was the only way to express his dominance in the pack order.

After all, the 16 year-old had beaned him in the head and knocked his glasses off and then had the gall to offer an apology. An apology? In DODGEBALL, no less?!!! Does this boy know nothing?

Rest assured though, if the ensuing whiplash and post-concussion syndrome wasn't lesson enough, the blood in his urine was a certain reminder of who the boss was on the dodgeball arena.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

Who's the Sloppy One?

Anyone that has watched The Odd Couple before knows that, although sometimes comical, living with roommates is never easy. This fact was realized by 58 year-old Kenneth Matthews when, failing to restock the bathroom with toilet paper, was beaten to a pulp by his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw-hammer.

But there were no witty fortes when the police showed up to arrest 56 year-old Franklin Paul Crow who claimed Matthews had pulled a rifle on him after arguing about the toilet paper all weekend.

Last I checked, toilet paper was going for 49¢ a roll but still, I can understand - it's the principal of the thing! I mean, you go through all the trouble of stealing toilet paper out of the stalls at work and he does nothing but wipe his ass with it. Does he even say thank you? Is it too much to ask that he pick up a roll here and there? or stop leaving his towels on the floor? or clean his love gunk out of the shower drain? or stop talking during LOST? or stop fucking mouth breathing like a grouper gasping for air just to ANNOY ME!!!?

After the beating Crow apparently lost his shit.

It is not reported what he used to wipe his ass.

Don't squeeze the Charmin

When Frogs Smoke, We Are There

In celebration of her ultimate Frenchness, the face-transplant phenom known only as "Isabelle" has shown the appreciation of her new lips by picking up the grand French tradition of smoking despite the concerned objections of her doctors.

The procedure was a medical first and three months later things have been looking good but Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard is concerned about the recent news of her resuming her old vice. Besides being bad for your general health cigarettes complicate recovery by impairing circulation and increasing the risk of rejection.

After being attacked and mauled by her family dog, the 38 year-old cheese-eater received a slightly used nose, chin and lips from a brain-dead donor.

When confronted about the smoking, Isabelle stated: "Feck you, I em Fraunche! I smook and my children drink wine!"

While Dr. Dubernard is concerned with the smoking, he has already warned his patient that any attempt to dress as a mime could be fatal.

Come on back to Marlboro Country

It Puts the Lotion on its Skin

Recent research from a team of British academics found that Barbie dolls suffered brutal mutilation at the hands of young girls.

A group of 100 girls interviewed saw the torture as legitimate play activity and engaged in gleeful mutilation that included shearing off the hair, decapitation and the inevitable microwaving.

The data received was very interesting to psychologists who said that the violence toward the doll appeared to be a rite of passage that spanned age, schools, and even gender.

''The most readily expressed reason for rejecting Barbie was that she was babyish, and girls saw her as representing their younger childhood out of which they felt they had outgrown,'' said Agnes Nairn, one of the University of Bath researchers.

Or perhaps the data simply reveals that sadistic bitches start early.

These cats have claws!