Is the whole world INSANE!?!?!

At some point, you might think... you might hope... that people would stop getting themselves worked up everytime the vague likeness of Jesus appears on a tortilla, or a potato chip. In a world wrought with war, suffering, and injustice, you would at least like to think that legitimate news outlets have better things to report than a statue that appears to be crying.

But you would be wrong. For the last two mornings, CBS's "Good Morning America" has led off their morning broadcast with news of the "crying" Virgin Mary statue in Sacramento, California. The amazing part, is that I have yet to see anyone discuss any of the multitude of entirely natural explainations for this "phenomena".

For example, the GOBS OF BLACK PAINT applied around the statues eyes. DUH. The news is faithfully reporting that the tears are red, but the numerous close ups and video montages show that the streaks are clearly a dark, amber brown. Anyone who has worked with black paint or black india ink knows that, in fact, black paint is not actually true black but more often than not a very very deep, dark brown.

Now, we have all seen what it looks like when mascara runs. I would like to demonstrate with a photo, but Google image search is REALLY letting me down this morning - how can it be so hard to find a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker with mascara-black tears running down her face? The best I could come up with was this picture, from a Saturday Night Live Sketch. That's Jan Hooks, who incidentally, was never mistaken for the Vigin Mary.

I suppose another possible explaination is that the most powerful deity in the universe thought this might be an effective way of communicating with us mortals. But running mascara... black painted mascara on statue... hmmm... I think there could be a not-so-supernatural connection here.

And speaking of connections... you will never guess what Google did turn up for me this morning. Earlier this month, Pakistan's Daily Times reported that:

"The Catholic church in Vietnam has been forced to deny that a statue of the Virgin Mary is crying after thousands of people had flocked to observe the “miracle” at Ho Chi Minh City cathedral."

Huh. And what was the name of this church in Sacramento? Oh yeah - Vietnamese Catholic Martyrs Church. Ain't that a funny coincidence.

Now, I am certainly not trying to suggest that Vietnamese Catholic priests are a bunch of shameless scammers... but would it be safe to say that perhaps Vietnamese Americans might be more likely to follow news developments in Ho Chi Min City?

Too bad major news outlets like ABC, MSNBC, CBS, USA Today and Fox News just can't provide the kind of investigative reporting that we tackle here at the Spittoon.

Of course, The Spittoon DOES acknowledge that sometimes statues DO cry.