Spittoon Picayune

2006-10-31T07:49:00.000-08:00

Get Off Me Son, Yer Crushin' My Smokes

It was an act of revenge, not some Oedipal urge that drove 19 year-old redneck Gary Helms, Jr. to force indecent coitus upon his own 45 year-old mother. When Gary discovered that his brother was the object of a young ladies affection and not himself he figured he'd get back at his fraternal rival by, well, screwing his mother. In your face, bro!

So he headed over to Willow Terrace Trailer Park in Albertville, Alabama where he found his mother passed out on the couch.

When Mother Helms woke to find her son having sex with her she tried to fight back but "he held her down until he was finished."

Yeah...that's a quote.

At first read this would seem like the heinous, sick crime that would even make Satan feel a little uncomfortable.

But when you see it’s from Alabama and you think: “Well, if it’s going to happen somewhere, Alabama would be the place.”

Then you find out Momma was in a trailer park and you say: “Of course she was.”

Then you find out she was passed out drunk on the couch and suddenly it's not that surprising any more.

My one question: at what point did it dawn on Gary that he and his brother had the same mother?

I Remember Mama

2006-09-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

He's Not a Goat, He's My Brother

When is a goat not a goat? When you're in Lagos, Nigeria and someone has used black magic to turn the goat into your brother. At least that's what happened to a man in the Isseluku village in southern Nigeria who was arrested recently for killing his brother with an axe.

According to Police Commissioner Udom Ekpoudom, the man tried to chase away some goats on his farm and when one wouldn't move he attacked it with an axe. Only after he killed the goat did it magically turn into his brother.
Black magic runs rampant in Nigeria and has been blamed for a variety of vicious crimes.

In 2001, eight people were burned to death after one person in their group was accused of making a bystander's penis magically disappear.
It was not reported whether the offending magician later pulled the penis from behind the bystanders ear.

2006-06-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

Now You're Messing with a - Son of a Bitch!

After learning from her veterinarian that the Chihuahua puppy she had just picked up was too young to be separated from its mother, a St. Peters, MO woman attempted to return the puppy to the local dog breeder who sold the animal to her. But the animal died before she could return it.

However, in our capitalist society, a consumer expressing their dissatisfaction is all part of the system. So, wielding the puppy like a soft, plush medieval morningstar, she barged her way into the breeders home and proceeded to beat the woman about the head with the canine cadaver. After being forcibly removed from the house by the breeder's family, the enraged woman hopped in her minivan and drove off in a cloud of threats and obscenities waving the corpse of the puppy out her window.

I would hope that other companies would see this incident stresses the importance of a suggestion box at their facilities.

2006-03-31T06:57:00.000-08:00

Sore Winner

Dodgeball has always been one of those crippling memories of childhood, causing some to still piss themselves at the mere site of one of those big red dodgeball-standard-issue balls. The slap of rubber on flesh rings through the dodgeball arena coupled with the cries of the asthmatic kid muffled by the soft rubber ball wrapping around his face. But the dodgeball arena is an important part of a child's growth and development in society - it is a place for the pack to develop a hierarchy.

So when 27 year-old youth minister David M. Boudreaux of Excelsior Springs, Mo kicked a 16 year-old in the nuts during a dodgeball game, he was merely teaching the boy the way of the pack. With proliferance of so many sexual abuse scandals he probably thought peeing on the boy would be deemed inappropriate so knocking him down and kicking him in the nuts was the only way to express his dominance in the pack order.

After all, the 16 year-old had beaned him in the head and knocked his glasses off and then had the gall to offer an apology. An apology? In DODGEBALL, no less?!!! Does this boy know nothing?

Rest assured though, if the ensuing whiplash and post-concussion syndrome wasn't lesson enough, the blood in his urine was a certain reminder of who the boss was on the dodgeball arena.

Two men enter, one man leaves.

2006-02-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

Who's the Sloppy One?

Anyone that has watched The Odd Couple before knows that, although sometimes comical, living with roommates is never easy. This fact was realized by 58 year-old Kenneth Matthews when, failing to restock the bathroom with toilet paper, was beaten to a pulp by his roommate with a sledgehammer and a claw-hammer.

But there were no witty fortes when the police showed up to arrest 56 year-old Franklin Paul Crow who claimed Matthews had pulled a rifle on him after arguing about the toilet paper all weekend.

Last I checked, toilet paper was going for 49¢ a roll but still, I can understand - it's the principal of the thing! I mean, you go through all the trouble of stealing toilet paper out of the stalls at work and he does nothing but wipe his ass with it. Does he even say thank you? Is it too much to ask that he pick up a roll here and there? or stop leaving his towels on the floor? or clean his love gunk out of the shower drain? or stop talking during LOST? or stop fucking mouth breathing like a grouper gasping for air just to ANNOY ME!!!?

After the beating Crow apparently lost his shit.

It is not reported what he used to wipe his ass.

Don't squeeze the Charmin

2006-01-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

When Frogs Smoke, We Are There

In celebration of her ultimate Frenchness, the face-transplant phenom known only as "Isabelle" has shown the appreciation of her new lips by picking up the grand French tradition of smoking despite the concerned objections of her doctors.

The procedure was a medical first and three months later things have been looking good but Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard is concerned about the recent news of her resuming her old vice. Besides being bad for your general health cigarettes complicate recovery by impairing circulation and increasing the risk of rejection.

After being attacked and mauled by her family dog, the 38 year-old cheese-eater received a slightly used nose, chin and lips from a brain-dead donor.

When confronted about the smoking, Isabelle stated: "Feck you, I em Fraunche! I smook and my children drink wine!"

While Dr. Dubernard is concerned with the smoking, he has already warned his patient that any attempt to dress as a mime could be fatal.

Come on back to Marlboro Country

2005-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

It Puts the Lotion on its Skin

Recent research from a team of British academics found that Barbie dolls suffered brutal mutilation at the hands of young girls.

A group of 100 girls interviewed saw the torture as legitimate play activity and engaged in gleeful mutilation that included shearing off the hair, decapitation and the inevitable microwaving.

The data received was very interesting to psychologists who said that the violence toward the doll appeared to be a rite of passage that spanned age, schools, and even gender.

''The most readily expressed reason for rejecting Barbie was that she was babyish, and girls saw her as representing their younger childhood out of which they felt they had outgrown,'' said Agnes Nairn, one of the University of Bath researchers.

Or perhaps the data simply reveals that sadistic bitches start early.

These cats have claws!

2005-12-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

Magic Reindeers Lose Mojo in Mid-Flight

Pedestrians strolling by a parking garage in Ransom, West Virginia were surprised when five deer rained down on them from the sky and met a bloody death upon impact with the pavement. Officials are perplexed on where the group had come from but after Police Cpl. Steve Cox investigated a near-by parking garage he found traces of the deer in the fifth floor.
He speculates the animals had somehow wandered into the parking garage, made their way to the fifth floor, where they got spooked and leapt over the side.

''They took the plunge, it was just absolutely weird.'' he admits.

But we here at the Spittoon have an idea what may have happened here and let me tell you ladies and gentleman, it's all our fault.

The fact is we just don't believe any more.
These days there is no respect for Christmas. It's force-fed to all of us wrapped in gaudy ribbon and shiny plastic before we can even get that Thanksgiving turkey down our throats and has become little more than a time of commitment and loathing, of guilt and envy.

There once was a time when Christmas and Santa Claus actually meant something, and if you knew anything you knew this much: if you were a good kid you got awesome presents on Christmas and if you were a bad kid you got socks.
And no kid wants socks
So all year long I would be good and when I was bad my Mom would pick up the phone and start to call Santa and I knew I had to be good immediately and go one step further to make up for the bad I just did.

What a manipulative bitch.

But the point was I respected Santa and I knew Christmas was the time when all those good deeds got paid off and for a few days afterwards I could be a selfish dick because I knew I had a whole year to make up for it.

Jesus tried to warn us first.

Then Tinkerbell told us we had to believe.

And in 1974 even the big man himself tried to give us a hint in the classic documentary The Year Without a Santa Claus (yes, the Heat Miser one.)

So while I think Officer Cox is using his best investigative skills learned on his years on the force, he is blinded by his own inability to believe.

Can Santa still do his job now that the bulk of his fleet is gone? With reindeer are falling out of the sky, is it true that this could be the year without a Santa Claus? If the airline industry is any indicator, things are grim.

And it looks like it's a little too late to make up for it now.
The deer carcasses were given to locals for butchering.

Pour a forty on the corner for Dasher

2005-11-29T06:28:00.000-08:00

Is the whole world INSANE!?!?!

At some point, you might think... you might hope... that people would stop getting themselves worked up everytime the vague likeness of Jesus appears on a tortilla, or a potato chip. In a world wrought with war, suffering, and injustice, you would at least like to think that legitimate news outlets have better things to report than a statue that appears to be crying.

But you would be wrong. For the last two mornings, CBS's "Good Morning America" has led off their morning broadcast with news of the "crying" Virgin Mary statue in Sacramento, California. The amazing part, is that I have yet to see anyone discuss any of the multitude of entirely natural explainations for this "phenomena".

For example, the GOBS OF BLACK PAINT applied around the statues eyes. DUH. The news is faithfully reporting that the tears are red, but the numerous close ups and video montages show that the streaks are clearly a dark, amber brown. Anyone who has worked with black paint or black india ink knows that, in fact, black paint is not actually true black but more often than not a very very deep, dark brown.

Now, we have all seen what it looks like when mascara runs. I would like to demonstrate with a photo, but Google image search is REALLY letting me down this morning - how can it be so hard to find a picture of Tammy Faye Bakker with mascara-black tears running down her face? The best I could come up with was this picture, from a Saturday Night Live Sketch. That's Jan Hooks, who incidentally, was never mistaken for the Vigin Mary.

I suppose another possible explaination is that the most powerful deity in the universe thought this might be an effective way of communicating with us mortals. But running mascara... black painted mascara on statue... hmmm... I think there could be a not-so-supernatural connection here.

And speaking of connections... you will never guess what Google did turn up for me this morning. Earlier this month, Pakistan's Daily Times reported that:

"The Catholic church in Vietnam has been forced to deny that a statue of the Virgin Mary is crying after thousands of people had flocked to observe the “miracle” at Ho Chi Minh City cathedral."

Huh. And what was the name of this church in Sacramento? Oh yeah - Vietnamese Catholic Martyrs Church. Ain't that a funny coincidence.

Now, I am certainly not trying to suggest that Vietnamese Catholic priests are a bunch of shameless scammers... but would it be safe to say that perhaps Vietnamese Americans might be more likely to follow news developments in Ho Chi Min City?

Too bad major news outlets like ABC, MSNBC, CBS, USA Today and Fox News just can't provide the kind of investigative reporting that we tackle here at the Spittoon.

Of course, The Spittoon DOES acknowledge that sometimes statues DO cry.

2005-11-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

Bigger Butts Demand Bigger Pricks

It's been a while since I last posted, but this article practically jumped out and demanded I steal the Spittoon spotlight back from Kid Hubris.

Bigger butts require bigger needles. Yes, folks - it's news. A recent study showed that obese Americans are getting the short end of the booster shot because of the medical establishment's one-needle-fits-all approach to... ahem...prosterior injec... oh, hell - shots in the ass.

OK... I must be getting a little rusty here - I cannot think of any way to goof on this story. Reality is indeed stranger than fiction, and in matters involving butt needles, doubly so. I cannot retell this story any goofier than Reuters did.

It is certainly a sad commentary on... something. I think I need to process this one for a while, so I am going to ditch work early, throw some Sir-Mix-Alot on the ol' iPod, and take the stairs instead of the elevator...

UPDATE: damn - just one day later and my brilliant headline has already been outdone. This morning, the UK's Daily Mail reports:

"Jabs Don't Work on Fat-Bottomed Girls"

Confound those cheeky Brits.

2005-11-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

False Advertising

So you're at a bar in Phuket, Thailand and you're just hanging loose, maybe just got off the plane and are hanging out at one of the nightclubs. Then some hot Thai girl comes all rubbing up to you with all that "Ooh, I ruv amelican men" and she buys you a drink. You're thinking: "Man, these folks are downright friendly!" And she keeps touching your arm or shoulder, laughs at your jokes, and throws her long beautiful hair around. Maybe you buy her a drink this time and she comes in close to thank you.

Now you're thinking: "Either these people have some strange tastes in men or this friendly lady is a hooker." So you back away with apologies, muttering about no money and a pretend girlfriendall in the same breath.

She is almost offended by your suggestion and shakes her head with a laugh. "No money," she confirms and caresses your hair with her hand. "I ruv amelican men."

Not being one to question another cultures beliefs or practices you spend a few minutes of pretty serious spit-swapping and aggressive groping you suggest perhaps retiring to your room. You have learned her name by now but instantly forgotten except it had a lot of vowels. Aygago or something.

She is all over you in the elevator and sticks her tongue so far down your throat you think you swallow a cavity and when she pulls back she is smiling wickedly. "Oh, you never forget me, big man." Her dark almond eyes twinkle, her sweet pink lips glistens and long silken-black hair sways softly like palms in the breeze.

Things are looking good here in Thailand. You had heard about the sexual escapades in this area of the world and were delighted to view a few of the local places but never had you thought that you would have been going back to your room with such a beautiful girl. At least without paying money.

It is perhaps the first time you put this altogether and as you make your way from the elevator to your room it begins to dawn on your that this doesn;t seem right but then stumble a little and you forget about it. But the nice Thai girl, Gungugo, is helping you now, pulling you even. Actually, she's kind of strong for a girl her size you note as she takes your door key from you and unlocks the door.

You can barely stand at this point and are not so sure when you got so drunk, luckily Gagooogoo is here to help you onto the bed. And isn't that nice, she's taking your shoes off and your jacket and your pants and your Rolex and your wallet and your cell phone and your laptop and then everything goes gray.

When you wake the next morning there is only one reason that finding yourself stark naked on the bed with a splitting headache and finding everything you have - from your socks to the hotel soap - has been stolen is the bad news.
The good news is your ass doesn't hurt.

Apparently a number of male tourist are experiencing this very scenario in such friendly hamlets like Phuket and police have arrested three "ladyboys" who confessed to slipping men sedatives hidden under their tongues in order to rob them.

This is not the first time such a practice has been used. A gang of transvestites in another village used strong sedatives on their nipples to drug unsuspecting men and rob them.

It is amazing that we have had to invent firearms at all.

A-ha! You kissed a guy!

2005-09-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Knives at Ten Paces

Is no tradition safe in this country? While the government cites the growing violent video games and drug use as eroding family values, they have no problem stomping on good old-fashioned family customs.

Two cousins aged 19 and 30 (who remain nameless) arrived at a bit of an impasse when attempting to settle a gentleman’s debt of thirty bucks. While we may never find out what the nature of this high-stakes gamble, we do know that it must have been one of great honor: perhaps a loan for a couple of 30-packs of Miller Lite before the big game or an unpaid 1/8 of Mexican dirt-weed or he lost the bet on who-could-piss-farther-off-the-porch.

Whatever the reason, the older and more worldly of the two men pulled his knife in what is known in some circles as the Michigan Knife Challenge, an intricate display of tribal folklore that is often mistaken for drunken stumbling. After the dance is completed, the challenger issues the traditional “Wanna piece of this?” which is then answered by the challengee with the customary call of “Fuck you, old man!”
Then the duel commences.

There was no transcript for the meeting between these two adversaries so it was not reported how the dialogue commenced. What we do know is that the teen was stabbed in the stomach.

Seems pretty cut and dry to me folks - the older guy gets the thirty bucks and the young wise-ass kid gets thirty stitches, right? No replays, no court, no lawyers, nothing - done and done. Good old fashioned frontier justice.

But NO! Not according to our meddling government who needed to get their weaselly bureaucratic hands into everything. The Macomb County prosecutor’s office is charging the cousins with an anti-dueling law that is well-over 150 years old despite the fact a good old fashioned meat-and-potatoes American family duel steeped in tradition had already resolved the issue.

''He could've done any number of things,'' Sheriff Mark Hackel said. ''He could've called police, he could've fled the area.”

So that’s your answer Sheriff Hackel? Turn like a pussy and run? Your willing to drag this through the courts, to cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars and gunk up the system with what is little more than tiff at the dinner table? You’re willing to take the power away from the family and put it in the hands of the government?
I mean, come on, if you can’t get stabbed by your uncle, who can stab you?

Maybe thirty bucks is a drop in the bucket for some hotshot Mount Clemens Sheriff like Hackel, but to the rest of us that thirty bucks means a hell of a lot more.
And while I’m not exactly sure what that thirty bucks does means, you can be damn sure you can take it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

Read about some real Americans here

2005-09-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

Waiter? There's Tiger Urine on My Ass

When an American thinks "Chinese food" they instantly conjure up such lyrically-named dishes like Crab Rangoon, Kung Pao Shrimp, and General Gau's Chicken. But we often forget about the more indigenous chefs of Chinese cuisine who, like redneck chefs of Asia, seem to find an epicurian taste for critters most folks try to keep out of their food.

To their defense, many of these foodstuffs double as tonics, tinctures, restoratives, analeptics, elixirs, and other such remedies to extend and enhance their lives. Unfortunately, many of these traditional recipes contain illegal ingredients from endangered species like rhinocerous, gorilla and tiger.

So you can imagine the anger and disappointment of the regulars at the Hufulou restaurant near Hailin, China when they learned their favorite tiger meat stir-fry place was being shut down for selling the illegal delicacy. Now where would they get their tiger-bone liquor?

Then came the good news.
Or perhaps it was bad news.

Either way, due to a technicality, the Hufulou would not have to close its doors as they had not been serving tiger meat after all. In fact, their specialty house dish of Stir-Fried Tiger Meat with Chilies (at $98 in Yankee greenback) was actually donkey meat flavored with tiger urine "for that special tang."

Despite that donkey meat is quite legal in China, the Hufulou's proprietor Ma Shikun was fined $296 for, what can only be assumed, false advertising.

While tiger meat is thought to enhance strength and virility, apparently donkey meat just makes you more of an ass.

Read it here, Grasshopper

2005-09-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

Are you gonna finish that?

Usually, I am the last person to turn down a nice cold, frothy bottle of beer. Heck, I've been managing to drink 'em near warm since my fridge hasn't been working so great. And if somebody leaves a "dead soilder" on the table after a party, I have even been know to polish 'em off.

So who am I to judge a guy in South Kingston R.I. who, according to Eyewitness News WPRI, picked up a half empty beer bottle on the side of the road and slugged it down only to find out the bottle was filled with lye. Yikes. That's a pain that's gonna linger.

Like I said, who am I to judge? But I would like to think that my love of beer does have SOME boundries. Half drunk beer at a party? OK. Probably not the most hygenic move but, depending on your party guests, probably OK. Mysterious half empty bottle on the side of the road? Not to smart. Of course, if you were REALLY thirsty... but wouldn't you at least give it the ol'factory test?

I can't imagine this fella didn't at least give the bottle a sniff - he probably assumed it was an import. So maybe the bigger question is, what kind of asshole fills a beer bottle with drain cleaner and leaves it for someone to find? And why are police calling this a criminal investigation? I think at this point I am totally confused - better go grab a beer.

Read the original news article...

2005-08-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

America's Getting Fatter, but we're working on it!

Fat people have been in the news lately due to the sudden death of San Francisco 49ers lineman Thomas Herrion earlier this summer. Herrion's gross size got the better of him when he dropped dead in the locker room after a preseason game. A freak occurence?

According to NFL Players Association president Troy Vincent, obesity has become epidemic in the NFL. The average weight of an NFL lineman on the Green Bay Packers in 1966 was 244 lbs. The 2005 Buffalo Bills lineman average 327 lbs and is typical for the league. Thats an 83 pound increase on average.
Vincent concedes, "We are a bigger nation, I understand... But we need to look at the long-term health effects for our players."

Indeed, we are a bigger nation. The Center for disease Control states that between 1985 and 2003 there was at least a 15% increase in obesity in every state. Most states saw at least a 20% increase and 4 states saw 25% or greater. The least fat states seem to be in the Northeast and the Mountain States. Surprisingly, Californians, who proclaim to be so healthy, are getting fatter as fast as the Southern States. All this in spite of the Atkins and South Beach crazes and the obsession with lo-fat, no-fat, non-fat flavor free junk food. To think of the time we wasted trying to count carbs on our 4th trip back to the all you can eat buffet table!

Read the original article at the Rochester Domocrat and Cronicle...

2005-08-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

Pissah!

Imagine: it is sometime in the Future(ooh) and everyone has their own rocket-pack, hovercraft, and pet dinosaur and the world runs on free power - PEEPOWER!

Scientists at the Institute of Bioengineering and Nanotechnology in Singapore have developed small urine-activated batteries that can fit in your wallet and be used in test kits.

But why should it stop there? Soon our liquid waste will be used to power lamps, TVs, refrigerators - your whole house, neighborhood, city! We'll be able to literally piss our electric bill away!

No news on a fecal-phone though - there's something I think those busy little Singapore scientists should be working on next.

Still, something about briny urine and electricity doesn't strike me as a safe combination.

Pee-ruse the story here

2005-08-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

You can lick your wounds, and you can lick your friends...

34 year old Scott Reed, an innovative football coach at Central Linn High School near Eugene, Oregon, introduced an alternative approach to first aid on the field when he began licking the wounds of his injured players. Now I know, it sounds a little "kooky", but when you think about it, animals in the wild lick their wounds all the time... and when you think about it a little more, you realize that animals also lick their assholes ...and their friends assholes ...heck, my dog will lick the asshole of every dog he met if he had a chance.

OK, so maybe that is a bad example. But isn't it time that our public schools taught alternate first aid theories side by side with those accepted by the scientific community? Here at the Picayune, we say let the kids decide for themselves!

Lick up this important news item at MSNBC

2005-07-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

Rock Out With Your Cock Out

A prehistoric stone dildo believed to be around 28,000 years old was discovered buried in the infamous Hohle Fels Cave in Germany. The...*ahem*..."tool" is almost 8 inches long and an 1.5 inches wide is believed to be a symbolic representation of a phallus. Because of its life size (I'm not sure how many female scientists were involved here) some have suggested it was used as a sex aid.

It is a long held belief that prehistoric man was very concerned for his mate's sexual satisfaction. Many cave drawings depict lovemaking sessions where the man coddles his mate, holding her as she cries, and snuggling after sex. So it is no wonder that prehistoric man took time out of his busy day of scraping the barrel of survival to construct a stone sexual aid for his significant other.

But prehistoric man was a frugal creature and there was little room in their world for frivolous uni-taskers. The stone phallus has typical scars on it that suggest it was also used for knapping flints - the process of creating arrow and spear heads from stone. It is assumed that prehistoric man did not knap flints with his own genitalia.

Why the phallus/flint knapper was discarded is still a matter of speculation. Some scientists suggest the previous owner may have upgraded to a newer model that was 9 inches long, 2.5 inches think and doubled as an arrow straightener.

Read it here

2005-07-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Filling in the Gaps

A certain image comes to mind when you think of Appalachian mountain folk - tattered overalls, bare feet, banjos, and a gap-toothed smile. But thanks to Dr. Jeff Bailey, that image is about to change thanks to his mobile(as in movable, not a city in Alabama ) dental care unit conveniently housed in a silver Airstream trailer.

Due to an excess of sugary foods, tobacky - both fer chawin' and smokin', a lack of flouridated water, and general neglect, Dr. Bailey has his work cut out for him. According to some Centers for Disease Control reports, the Appalachian states are the gummiest of all: 32 percent of Tennessee residents reported losing teeth last year, 38 percent in Kentucky and 43 percent in West Virginia, which holds the distinction of the Most Toothless State.

It is not known how much West Virginian pride was put into this distinction or whether Kentucky - which held this moniker in 2003 - was gearing up to win back the title next year.

Most of the members of the mountain communities assume that losing teeth is just part of getting old and even a rite of passage. But with the help of Dr. Bailey, the ever-echoed cry "Squeal like a piggy!" will no longer whistle with sibilance through missing teeth.

I aint kiddin

2005-07-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Toupee Funding

A 46-year old man who only wanted to be accepted by his peers had his case thrown out of a German court today. All he wanted was to have hair just like everyone else, and to have his medical insurance pay for it. But do you think those mean old insurance companies cared? Did they stop to think about the crippling effects social ostracism could have on an impressionable 46-year-old man's self esteem? Heck no. All they cared about was their bottom line. Well what about the melanoma Herr Stichwortkugel is going to get from sunburned scalp? What's that gonna cost ya?

Then again, maybe it is for the best. Maybe Mister Bald German guy just needs some new friends. Friends like the League of Bald Headed Men who's three step program (denial, acceptance, pride) has inspired dozens of hairless Australian golfers to embrace their baldness.

But really, is there a reason to look any further than the universally adored bald sex symbols Telly Savalas and Patrick Stewart? Who loves ya, baby?

MSNBC has more on this important story...

2005-07-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Need a Bigger G-String

In case you thought all those stuffed-suit, over-tanned, arrogant stock-traders were little more than Ward Cleavers with cell-phones and Blackberrys and a thirst for filthy lucre, prepare to be suprised.

The Wall Street Journal reported some improper use of company and client money by a number of employees and management when a rather lavish bachelor party was thrown for Thomas H. Bruderman Jr. in Miami Beach. Entertainment included a yacht cruise, VIP status at the chic Delano Hotel resort, and entertainment that included a dwarf and two women who may have been prostitutes.

In all fairness, there was no proof that the two women accompanying the dwarf to a bohemian bachelor party thrown by what were essentially adult frat-boys with an endless supply of cash were actually prostitutes. They may have been lion tamers who had foolishly forgot their lions or harpers providing soothing Baroque canons to accompany the evenings festivities.

The story goes on to condemn the inappropriate behavior and suggest how the constituents will be reprimanded but it's nothing we haven't heard before and chances are these chintzy, maliciously decadent motherfuckers will get away with their various infidelities and will live to do it again.

The real story here is: what role did the dwarf play?

2005-07-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

Five for flinching

He was turning 31 and the friends of trucker Keith Lowry thought to celebrate this momentous occasion in a true trucker tradition: pay three strippers $25 to restrain him and spank him with a paddle.

Unfortunately, Mr. Lowry is a bit of a pansy and after the incident left him with severe bruising on his gluteus maximus, he had the offending strippers and their manager arrested by police for misdemeanor battery and participating in an obscene performance at a live public show.

After being processed and arraigned for a future court date, the club has agreed to halt the practice of spanking, much to the chagrin of the local trucking companies.

While uncorroborated, this is probably the first time a trucker has ever complained about being mishandled by professionally naked women and, quite frankly - in this reporters opinion, Mr. Lowry has given a bad name to truckers everywhere. Tsk. For shame, Mr. Lowry.

2005-06-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

End of World Imminent

A two-faced cat and six-legged puppy with two peters were reported recently, imminent signs of the coming of the apocalypse and suggesting perhaps we have not been heeding the messages found in window condensation, potato chips, or water stains.

The two-faced cat - complete with two mouths, two tongues, two noses and four eyes - is named Gemini and despite it's 10% chance of survival, owner and breeder Lee Bluetear of Roseburg, Oregon still maintains hope. "If she makes it, she should be a perfectly normal and healthy cat. Other than having two faces."

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, an angry and wrathful god delivered unto the Kwang Sung Temple in Port Klang, Malaysia a six-legged puppy with two penises. The temple caretaker found it on the temple steps one morning and realized its multiple appendages when he tried to pick it up. Apparently unaware of this fateful omen, the locals have adopted the puppy and, being that most Malaysians are huge Amy Grant fans, named it Ong Fatt or Lucky One." Nothing has been reported on the dog's level of happiness.

While these two incidents alone are not necessarily portentous regarding the coming of the Antichrist, but we here at the Spittoon say you can never be too careful when it comes to the apocalypse. If it's going to be raining toads, I want to be prepared.

Article from boston.com

Artcile from thestar.com

2005-06-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hot Rocks in Space

Astronomers have discovered a new "Earth-like" planet outside of our solar system. Orbiting the definitively-named star Gliese 876 this newly found planet has a day almost twice as long as ours, is six to eight times the mass of the Earth, and has a temperature of about 400 degrees to 700 degrees. Astronomers say it is unlikely such an environment would be able to support life.

Following this comparative logic: I have discovered a new breed of rhinoceros - it is covered in fur, chases cats, and sleeps at the foot of my bed.

Original article from news.bbc.co.uk

2005-06-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ashes to ashes, chips to chips

The sisters Lieberman of Houston, Texas were quite surprised when visiting their mother's cremated remains and found the cedar chest that had contained her ashes missing and instead housed a can of potato chips (sour cream and onion to be exact.) To add insult to injury, the lawsuit claims the can had been visible for up to six months. There was no sign of any dip.

The chest had sat in a niche behind a closed and locked glass door and none of the employees had a key. Nor had any of the Lieberman's known their mother to be much of a potato chip fan or a magician of any sort.Houston police are currently in possession of the mysterious appearing can though it has been reported that once you pop, you can't stop.

Original article from boston.com

2005-06-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

Jesus Christ on a Potato Chip

No, that's not creative blasphemy, it is another miraculous snack item from the state of Florida! Some might find it somewhat suspicious that Christ our saviour would appear on a potato chip in Florida so soon after appearing on a toasted cheese sandwich in Florida. But should it be any surprise that the divine adore vacationland as much as the rest of America? Still, Rosalie Lawson was pretty surprised to find Jesus H. on her sour cream and onion, even going so far as to exclaim, "oh my goodness". Her husband Jerry was "pretty amazed too!"

Well, that is pretty amazing Mrs. Lawson. And I can relate. Just imagine how surprised *I* was to discover my OWN image on this delicious smokehouse ham!?!? But who on eBay is going to pay $15k for a miraculous image of my ugly mug? Even if it is on 8 lbs of tasty cured meat. Just my luck.

Original story could only have come from ananova.com

2005-06-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Psychotic Canadian Nutbag Slips Over Border

So, riddle me this...

You are a customs officer stationed at the border between US and Canada and in comes a young man who looks like a quality-tester for crystal-meth wearing a blood-stained sweatshirt over a bullet-proof vest, carrying a bloody chainsaw and toting a backpack containing home-made swords, a knife, brass knuckles, and pepper spray and all he wants to gain access to the good ole US of A.

What do you do?
A: turn the suspect away
B: detain the suspect until proper authorities arrive to investigate the individual
C: give him coffee and cookies and send him over the border

If you picked "C" then congratulations! You are a viable candidate for a job as a customs official at the Canadian border.

A long standing feud between 22 year-old Minto resident Gregory Allan Despres and his neighbors - Frederick Fulton, 74, and his wife Veronica Decarie, 70 - ended tragically at the hands of Despres who stabbed them to death(see previous news entry: WARNING: KNIVES HURT) in their home and decapitated Fulton with the aforementioned chainsaw. It was a busy morning.

"Nobody asked us to detain him," said Bill Anthony, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection. "Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up."

While such a large cache of weaponry and circumstantial evidence would raise a few red flags here in America, especially since he was already considered at-large for skipping a sentencing hearing, apparently the custom agents have gotten a little soft over the years and felt a deranged freak-job like Despres was of little threat.

But don't let this incident make you think that the guards posted at these points aren't doing their job. After all, 38 year-old Eddie Young was detained at the same office with Despres and watched the custom officials playing with Despres weapons and serve him a cup of coffee before letting him go.

Young, who was on his way to catch a flight to Mexico with friends, was being detained and processed after officials noted a 20 year-old drug conviction in Ottawa on his recored. "He got processed faster than I did." Young noted.

To their credit, the customs officers did confiscate the weapons.

Despres comes from a long-line of sadomasochistic chainsaw-wielding nutjobs. It was reported that Despres' own father had a hankering for the nose candy and engaged in some redecorating a la "Tommy Lee in a hotel-room."

Despres was arrested in Massachusetts.

(Note: it is common for us here at the Spittoon to include an accompanying photo to the story. As you may have noticed, these photos are sometimes "altered" to suit our needs. However, we felt that no alterations were necessary for the mugshot of Mr. Despres. He's a natural.)

Original article from canada.com

2005-06-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

WARNING: KNIVES HURT

A group of British doctors have been hard at work determining that knives - yes those long, pointy thing in the kitchen drawer - can kill! Apparently knives were not originally used to cut roast beef and celery as long thought but has its roots in the ancient custom of stabbing things to death, a practice that seems to be as prevalent in human culture as cooking and painting.

The members of this bubbling brilliance of a think tank, Drs. Emma Hern, Will Glazebrook and Mike Beckett of the West Middlesex University Hospital in London, have noticed a rise in crime of "nearly 18 per cent from 2003 to 2004" and determined that a warning should be made public and have called upon the government to pass a law requiring knife companies to design knives with rounded tips.

No one is sure how this forgotten usage of knives had re-emerged from the shadows of our history but scientists have determined that knives may date from as far back as forever or even beyond that. Thank god we have this crack team of scientists to keep us safe. No data has been released over the deadly application of lead pipes, ropes, candlesticks, monkey wrenches, or revolvers.

Original article from theregister.co.uk

2005-05-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Look at me officer!

Seattle long known for it's proud relationship with heroin apparently has a little soft spot for the ole' Crystal Meth as well. One resident has requested a vanity plate that read "C9H13N" and while this may mean nothing to the average lay-person the odd miscreant chemist would recognize this as the chemical compound for methamphetamine, Despite a law that does not allow references to alcohol or illegal substances on their plates, their is a loophole (besides the fact that 90% of people slept through their chemistry classes) since this compound also represents amphetamine which is legal in some medicines.

It is doubtful that this plate will be in use much longer since the owner has pretty much secured himself a roadside full-cavity search with every traffic violation. Those cops love a good riddle.

Article at erowid.org

Article at nytimes.com

2005-05-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

What would you do for a Camel?

Cigarettes, long known as a hazardous if not fatal addiction, have included warnings on its packaging about the harmful side-effects of the habit. But apparently the warnings are just not thorough enough for people like Jeff Foran of Arkansas who suffered facial trauma and other injuries when the cigarette he was smoking blew out the car window. Perhaps it was the liquor (how many excuses start with that line?) or perhaps it was some new undiscovered side-effect of smoking or perhaps it was just a really, really good cigarette that caused Mr. Foran to leap out the window of the speeding car to pursue his fugitive indulgence and land in the eastbound lane of Arkansas 234.

It was not reported whether Foran retrieved his cigarette nor whether these harmful side-effects have discouraged him from his deadly vice but we here at the Picayune certainly hope not. Remember kids: quitters never win.

Read the article at nytimes.com

2005-05-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

When Good Produce Goes Bad

The Streets of Boston have found themselves in the grips of another gang in town. Now along with the Latin Kings and MS-13 there is the burgeoning new crew of young thugs to strike fear in the hearts of the community - the Fruit and Vegetables gang. Apparently lacking a marketing department, the F and V's have made a name for themselves recently in a slew of assaults in the West Roxbury area. The gang picked their name because many of the members had held jobs at grocery stores in the area.

Being that holding a regular job is against the credo of their gang lifestyle they all had to quit, but kept their name out of reverence for their founding fathers - the terrifying Fruit of the Loom gang whose infamous television personalities had turned to a life of crime after being the butt of too many underwear jokes.

Never has a gang of fruits and vegetables been so dangerous!

Read the article at boston.com

2005-05-11T11:59:00.001-07:00

Hurricane? Shmurricane!

One of the major aspects of the human animal is the ability to swiftly adapt to our surroundings in order to survive. Despite this development in our species, Mother Nature still finds it necessary to do its best to take the weak ones down like a tiger on a sick zebra so as to not taint the progression of the species with substandard DNA. So while our beloved Gaia attends to these chromosonal custodial duties, sweeping the flotsam and jetsam from our gene pools, leave it to government assistance to make her job even harder.

Remember last year, right about this time, there were a few "squalls" in the southern states one right after another that leveled neighborhoods, washed out roads, destroyed crops, and left thousands injured or killed? Remember an estimated $42 billion in property loss and damage?

If your answer is "No" then you must be from one of these storm-ravaged states where one of the byproducts of having your world torn from the ground and whipped around you at 145MPH. According to a Mason-Dixon poll released this week, 56% felt that it was all a dream("not too vulnerable" or "not at all vulnerable"), 47% haven't thought much about it(no plan in place) and 25% didn't learn a damn thing(would do nothing to prepare in the event of a storm warning.)

So if you ever ask yourself: "Why would anyone live in a place where their house gets blown away every couple of years?" be assured it is a delicate balance of nature attempting to make us stronger while government programs keep paying them to be stupid.

Read the article at washingtonpost.com

2005-05-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

McFilet Mignon?

According to the Boston Globe, 14 year-old Ronald Young-Henry was riding his bike to school in Dorchester, MA yesterday when cabbie Anthony Mordan slammed into him. Mordan was of course well-mannered and considerate, being a Boston cab driver and all, and got out of his vehicle to check on his young speedbump. Finding Young-Henry dazed but otherwise allright, he gave the kid a $100 and took his mangled bike for what police later said he called "evidence" and drove off. The kid made it to school but not before spending $30 at McDonalds. Later police got involved, Young-Henry was taken to a hospital with a bone bruise, the cops took the remaining $70 as well as Mordan's hackney license and medallion and are continuing the investigation.

But after all this, I have one lingering question: what the hell did he spend $30 on at McDonalds?

Read the article at boston.com

2005-05-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

More Finger Food

What was undoubtedly viewed as one of the worst copycat crimes in the food industry history was proven to be factual when Clarence Stowers bought a frozen chocolate custard at a lKohl's Frozen Custard in Wilmington, NC and found - you guessed it - a piece of a human finger!

Apparently an employee had severed the digit in a custard-dispensing accident. Anyone in the custard-dispensing industry knows that custard shops in the south are known for their iron-willed work ethic and despite the missing body part and bloody custard, they were still there to dispense their frozen delights to burgeoning customer base.

Just remember, NOTHING - neither spurting blood nor severed fingers - can stop custard-mongers when they're in "the zone"

Read the article at nytimes.com

2005-05-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

Steak for Sex Program

Used to be, you'd put "steak for sex" into Google and come up empty. A meat company worker in Woonsocket, RI changed all that when he attempted to negotiate with an undercover vice cop to trade a couple juicy t-bones for...[insert bad puns and double entendre].

Was she supposed to put those in her purse or tuck them under her garter belt? Or perhaps he was going to fry 'em up with some onions as part of the deal? Just how was she supposed to take care of her pimp with a couple of lousy t-bones? Rhode Island may not be cattle country, but they do have grocery stores.

When you are 22 years old and you are already reduced to trading groceries for sex, your prospects are not looking good.

So...I've got a raging hard-on and 53 cases of canned soup. Who wants to party? Read the article at abcnews.com

2005-05-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

Anna Ayala Fingers Herself

Authorities may have a difficult time convicting Anna Ayala of an illegal hoax if they cannot identify the secret ingredient in her Wendy's chili.

One critical piece of evidence that has NOT been made public is degree of doneness. I figure that Wendy's chili probably spends a couple of hours in an industrial-sized crockpot at the Secret Wendy's Chili Factory, then simmers away in one steam tray or another for several more hours before arriving on our table with that deep, slow-cooked chili flavor.

If an industrial accident at the Secret Wendy's Chili Factory is to blame, that finger would have been thoroughly stewed to the point of "fall-off-the-bone" tenderness. If this is the case, prosecutors will be left to wonder why a Wendy's employee would accidentally chop off their finger, drop it in a vat of chili, then conceal the incident. I have never chopped off one of my fingers, but I am going to bet it smarts, and probably produces a fair amount of blood. I have heard of high-end restaurant chefs powering though a third seating with 2nd degree fryolator burns on their hands, but I doubt that kind of commitment is common among Wendy's employees. Nobody gives up a finger for $5.25 an hour.

If we are dealing with a less toothsome, parboiled finger, it would have been added to the chili closer to service. It could be that this particular Wendy's restaurant was employing a disenfranchised teenager named Beavis whose best friend Butthead had a job emptying trash cans at the ER. Not altogether implausible.

An uncooked finger would have to have been added to the chili just before serving, which would suggest a directed attack - in other words, someone meant to give Anna Ayala the finger.

Yeah - maybe someone like Anna Ayala.

Which would make this the most bone-headed food contamination scam ever conceived since the famous mouse-in-a-beer-bottle in Bob and Doug Mackenzie's Strange Brew. A rock, or a cockroach, a cigarrette butt, maybe a shard of glass - anything else would be more plausible and could have easily scared the company's lawyers into a quiet cash settlement. But she had this finger...

"I done found me a finger! We gotta think of somthin' cool to DO with it!"

Read the article at wired.com

2005-05-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

Birds May Be Behind Exploding German Toads

We have been passing around strange news stories via email for years now, but it took thousands of German toads spontaneously exploding to prompt this important documentary Blog.

As today we kick off this valuable new entry in the already tired and overdone sea of amateur journalistic news outlets, lets take a moment to remember the thousands of amphibians who died to make it possible, and the crows who pecked out their livers.

Original article from washingtonpost.com